Tips from a Therapist in Tacoma, WA: Connecting Emotions and Needs

Therapist in Tacoma, Wa here to help! Today I want to share a quick tip that can instantly help you experience greater degrees of emotional well-being. Simply put: learn to connect your emotions to your needs. And then feel empowered to get your needs met.

But is it really as easy as it sounds? Let’s dig a little deeper.

Emotions are messages

Emotions are like the lights on the dashboard of your car. The gas light is a feedback signal that lets me know my gas tank is empty. Since I can’t see my gas tank, if it weren’t for my gas light, I’d have no idea how my fuel was doing and I’d end up broken down on the side of the road unexpectedly. Pretty anxiety-provoking and out of control, no?

When we are unaware of emotions, we’re not getting the feedback signals that let us know when we need to pull over, refuel, or meet some internal need. And this does create anxiety for us or makes us feel like life is a little out of control. This can look like fights with our partners when they blow off the chore they said they’d do; burnout at work when the projects pile on; or resentment toward the old high school buddy who asked us to help them move even though can’t they see how busy I am???

Without the emotional feedback signals, often we don’t see a problem coming until it blows up in our face and we react poorly.

So what’s the alternative? Let’s break it down using some helpful tools from Nonviolent Communication.

1. Connect with your physical body to feel the emotional signal

We can learn to really pay attention to our emotions closely, and they will give us invaluable messages about what our internal needs are, so we can avoid the blow-ups.

Step one is to notice the physical feeling of an emotion showing up in our bodies. All emotions have physical signatures—that’s literally why they are called feelings. (This blew my mind when I was in therapy the first time). If I’m paying attention to my body, I’ll feel the hot flicker of frustration on my cheeks with my partner before it builds up into a fight. I’ll feel the chest-tightening of stress when yet another deadline piles onto my plate. Or I’ll notice the sinking pit in my stomach when someone asks me to help them move. All of these physical feelings are clues about the emotion.

2. Label the emotion

Many of us were not raised in homes or schools where people used robust emotional vocabulary. Outside of tired, mad, sad, glad or hungry, we might have a harder time finding the right word for what we are feeling.

That’s where using an emotional inventory comes in handy. Being able to see the emotion word helps us to filter through all the choices and name that feeling. Having a specific word is helpful. Annoyed or rageful are pretty different, no? Specific language means we can better address the need and figure out how to get that need met more effectively.

Nonviolent Communication has a great inventory of emotional words here. I recommend clients to literally print this out and create a habit to check-in with themselves once a day for 5 minutes to notice what their body is feeling and label the emotion to describe it.

3. Connect the emotion to a need

This next step is a game-changer and the missing link for many people. Once you have named the emotion, you are likely to already be feeling just a little better. Because now instead of a mysterious and unknown monster under the bed, you know what you are dealing with. And your brain is going to start problem-solving how to help you feel better right away.

One way to expedite this is to pull out your inventory of universal human needs found at this link. This list has some of the major needs that we all experience. If we have an unmet need, that’s going to feel a little painful. Like a hunger pain, the pain is driving us to identify the need (sustenance) and take action (buy a taco) to feel better (happy belly).

Using the examples above, with my partner, my frustration is coming from an unmet need of being able to depend on them when they say they are going to do something. With my job, my stress might be due to not getting the support I need from my manager or team. With the resentment I feel about being asked to move someone I used to know, I’m alerted to my need to protect my time for myself and my highest priority relationships because my time and energy are finite resources.

4. Finally, when we know the unmet need, we can take action to get that need met

Connecting our body to our emotions and then to our unmet needs shows us exactly where we need to take some action to get that feeling to resolve. When you put gas in the car the gas light goes off, right?

When I communicate to my partner that their flaking on the chores breaks trust, and I ask them be mindful to keep their word, we can have a conversation that can lead to a repair in that situation and help them understand how to build trust with me in our relationship. Then that frustration feeling goes away. If I reach out to my boss and let them know I am feeling overwhelmed and tell them the ways that they and the team can step in and support me, I have given specific action steps to fix this with my team and I have help to carry that burden. Therefore, the stress diminishes. And when I listen to my resentment and realize it’s telling me that I don’t have the time and energy to help this person move, I can set a boundary and say no, and no longer be haunted by the resentment of giving my control away to other people.

Now, of course, it doesn’t always work out so easily. Sometimes people don’t respond well to us making our needs known. Or our needs may compete with their needs and we have to compromise. And sometimes if a need can’t be met we have to make a hard choice about that relationship, or we have to accept the unmet need, like in the case of grief or loss. But even in these situations, we feel more empowered because we know what we feel, we know what we need, and we are being active on our behalf, instead of riding the emotional run-away roller coaster.

So let’s recap…

1. Locate the feeling in your body

2. Give the emotion a name

3. Connect the emotion to a need

4. Take action to get that need met

Sounds simple enough, right? Well…why does it feel so hard sometimes?

what if I still don’t know what I feel?

If you are a person who has a hard time knowing exactly what you are feeling, you’re in good company! I work with many clients who feel this way, and I myself remember feeling this way too when I first started going to therapy. For example, it took me a few weeks of therapy to discover that I was actually really angry about some things in my life—but before my therapist helped me go there, I had no idea!

How can this be that we don’t know what we feel?

• We may have grown up in homes where emotions weren’t talked about. No one modeled for us emotional vocabulary or how to attune to ourselves or others.

• We may have grown up in homes where emotions raged wild and unchecked, and this was scary. So we may have subconciously disconnected from our emotions because the alternative felt unsafe.

• We may have experienced trauma, which caused our nervous system to get stuck in a freeze response. That leaves us feeling disassociated or numbed out. We may not feel safe enough to be connected to our bodies, thus we don’t realize when our physical body is giving us signals about our emotions.

• Or because of trauma, we are more in a fight-or-flight response. In that case, we may feel so anxious and keyed up all the time that we aren’t aware of any other emotions beneath those.

• Or, as a way to deal with trauma, we got stuck in a fawn response. This is where we use people-pleasing and over-attuning to the needs of others to try and keep ourselves safe. If this is us, we may have a hard time differentiating our emotions from those of others around us that we take on.

If you relate to any of these, therapy can help to process the trauma, calm your nervous system, create a safe space, and help you practice the skills to get connected to your body and emotions again.

I’m a therapist in Tacoma WA and I can help

If you’d like to grow in any of these areas, you might want to reach out to a therapist. I can help! I’m a therapist in Tacoma, WA and work with clients for online therapy in Washington state. Feel free to reach out today for a free 15-min phone consultation. Let’s chat and see if we’d be a good fit to help you attune to yourself, know what you’re feeling, and know how to move forward to get your needs met in empowered ways. I look forward to talking with you!

My specialties include: anxiety therapy in Tacoma | Brainspotting therapy in Tacoma | EMDR Therapy in Tacoma |

Cultivating Self-Compassion Through Brainspotting with a Therapist in Tacoma

Are you your own worst critic?

One thing I have noticed amongst my clients is that most of them tend to be their own worst critics. Can you relate?

• Are you haunted by an internal voice or feeling that’s always pushing you to do more, be more, or be better?

• Do you tend to dwell on the one negative piece of feedback even when it’s far outnumbered by positives (positives you can’t even remember, to be honest)?

• Do you motivate yourself toward self-growth by looking at all the ways you fall short?

• Do you fixate on things you don’t like about your appearance instead of being able to lovingly appreciate your body?

• Do you compare yourself to others, on social media or in real life, and always come up short?

If you said yes to any of these, you might struggle with self-compassion. In this blog, I unpack what self-compassion is, why it’s so crucial to good mental health and self-growth, and how a therapy called brainspotting can help you cultivate more self-compassion in your everyday life. If you’re curious to find a brainspottting therapist in Tacoma, WA or brainspotting therapy online in WA state, keep reading.

What is self-compassion?

Brene Brown very simply defines self-compassion as this:

“Talk to yourself as you would to someone you Love.” 

It means treating ourselves with warmth, kindness, empathy, and grace when we mess up. It means being honest with ourselves about our mistakes and shortcomings, but not berating ourselves for these things. Instead, we forgive ourselves and lovingly encourage ourselves to continue on the path of growth.

In practice, it can be helpful to reflect on our self-talk and actions with this question: would I say these things to a friend I love or a beloved child?

If not, then we’re probably tuned into the voice of the inner critic, rather our intuitive sense of self-compassion.

According to psychologist and self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, self-compassion can even change our body chemistry:

Self-Compassion or soothing our own pain triggers the release of the hormone oxytocin. An increased level of oxytocin is related to increased feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness. (Neff, 2019).  

Neff goes on to break down self-compassion into three main elements: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness.

Each of these three elements happens to also be a key part of brainspotting. Let’s look at each to understand how brainspotting therapy can help you cultivate self-compassion.

What is brainspotting therapy and How can it help me cultivate self-compassion?

Brainspotting promotes rapid, permanent, and deep change in the brain through a gentle method.

Brainspotting is a powerful technique that is a combination of neuroscience, somatic therapy, mindfulness, and the healing power of the relationship between you and a caring, attuned therapist.

In a nutshell, brainspotting is staring at a point in your visual field that helps to activate an emotional issue you want to process. The brain uses this eye position to help you activate these neural networks in the brain and body, and it goes to work re-processing them as you practice mindfulness with the help of your therapist.

If you’ve heard of EMDR, brainspotting is similar, but instead of eye movements, we use one or two eye placements to access healing in the deep parts of the brain. It is effective for processing trauma, decreasing anxiety and depression, improving performance, overcoming creative blocks or stuck points, and so much more.

Let’s explore how each of Kristin Neff’s three elements of self-compassion is an integral part of brainspottting.

brainspotting and Mindfulness

One way to think about mindfulness is that we create a little distance between ourselves and difficult feelings. Instead of being overly identified and fused to these things, we step back just a little and observe what is happening in our body, mind, and spirit. This helps us to accept our feelings and not add to our suffering through resisting them.

Brainspotting helps us to practice mindfulness by allowing us to observe what we are feeling, thinking, or sensing, and to allow those feelings. With the help of the brainspot which promotes deeper subcortical processing, and the attunement of a therapist to help us hold that space, brainspotting teaches us mindfulness through doing.

brainspotting and common humanity

Common humanity refers to the universalness of our struggles. Sometimes we can feel alone in our painful emotions. Shame can trick us into believing that we are uniquely flawed and separated from others. But self-compassion brings us back to the truth that all humans are vulnerable, flawed and imperfect. Kristin Neff points out how our suffering connects us to others, rather than separates us.

In brainspotting, attunement between client and therapist is essential and helps clients to practice self-acceptance rather than self-judgment. The level of connection between therapist and client in a brainspotting session is profound, and helps promote a healing experience of being seen, loved, and cared for, as well as not alone.

brainspotting and kindness

Essential to self-compassion is practicing kindness towards one’s self. Instead of beating ourselves up for mistakes or failures, through self-compassion we learn to lovingly forgive and encourage ourselves, as we would a dear friend or beloved child.

In brainspotting, we put kindness toward self into action. The therapist helps the client to practice this self-kindness through non-judgment and curiosity toward whatever feeling, thought, or emotion is coming up. This helps us learn how to find that safe space within ourselves that we need to truly heal. Over time it can transform our relationship with ourselves so that it becomes easier to give ourselves self-compassion rather than spiraling into self-criticism as the default.

How to find a brainspotting therapist in Tacoma, WA or online therapy in WA state

What I love most about brainspotting is that you are literally practicing self-compassion in the moment, rather than just talking about it. It’s like the difference between talking about lifting weights and actually lifting weights. Brainspotting allows us to get in there and do the work in real-time. And because of that, clients experience rapid, real, and lasting change as a result.

Call today for a free consultation with a therapist in Tacoma, WA

I love being a brainspotting therapist in Tacoma, WA and working with clients all over WA state through video sessions. (Brainspotting is very effective over telehealth, by the way, if you were wondering).

If you’d like to try brainspotting for yourself, call today for a free 15-min consultation with me. I’d love to see if we are a good fit and to help you transform your relationship and experience the self-compassion you deserve.

The root causes of perfectionism (and how therapy can help)

Do you struggle with perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a common struggle many of us can relate to. The rigid standards, the fear of failure, the crippling procrastination, the nagging self-doubt, the harsh inner critic… Odds are that you know what I’m talking about.

Where does this come from? What are the root causes of perfectionism? Is there hope for changing our inner critic into an inner sense of self-compassion? How can therapy help with perfectionism?

Where does perfectionism come from?

Perfectionism has complex psychological roots that can vary from person to person. Some of the common psychological factors contributing to the development of perfectionism include:

• Fear of failure

• Low self-esteem

• The need for approval

• Need for control

• Overcritical parenting

• Social/cultural expectations

• Fear of perceived judgment from others

• Maladaptive coping mechanism

• All-or-nothing thinking

Perfectionism is not the same as having high standards. It is ok to have high standards. What distinguishes perfectionism is that almost always, perfectionism is a coping strategy to avoid or mask shame. Shame is the belief that something about us is fundamentally flawed, wrong, or unacceptable. Therefore, we put on the mask of perfectionism and believe,

• “If I can be perfect, then no one will see that I’m bad.”

• “If I can be perfect, no one can criticize or judge me.”

• “If I can be perfect, I can control my world and feel safe.”

• “If I can be perfect, maybe I will finally feel like I’m enough.”

How can therapy help with perfectionism?

Therapy can help in many ways with letting go of perfectionism, healing shame, and embracing self-compassion. Most importantly, therapy is a place where you can be accepted unconditionally. This is why the most important thing in choosing a therapist is finding someone who you can feel comfortable with. Studies continually show that having a good relationship with your therapist is the most important predictor of a successful outcome in therapy—even more important than what kind of therapy method you engage in.

As you experience acceptance, safety, and compassion from your therapist, that can make it easier to show these same qualities to yourself.

Therapy can help you explore how you are using perfectionism to shield yourself from shame. With the help of a therapist, you can engage in healing modalities to go back to these painful memories, traumas, or origin points of negative core beliefs and get healing at the source. As you start healing from trauma, it will be easier to love yourself unconditionally and there will be less of a need for perfectionism.

Therapy can also help with perfectionism by teaching you strategies to manage anxiety and uncertainty. The more comfortable you get with using healthier coping strategies, the less you will engage in perfectionistic strategies to try and control your world. As you improve your skills at managing difficult emotions like fear, anxiety, sadness, and more, you will be better able to reduce procrastination and embrace making mistakes as part of the process.

Ultimately, therapy can help you find a more balanced perspective on success and achievement. It can help you learn how to both strive for high standards, but in a way that promotes self-love, self-acceptance, and self-compassion.

Therapy in tacoma, wa for perfectionism

Are you looking for therapy in Tacoma, WA? Or are you looking for online therapy in WA state? Give me a call today for a free 15-min consultation to see if we’d be a good fit. Let me help you heal from the roots of perfectionism and grow your self-compassion today.

How to prepare for a brainspotting session

so, What is brainspotting?

If you haven’t heard of brainspotting, after this post you’ll be glad you did! Brainspotting is a powerful body-based therapy that uses eye position, mindfulness, and the compassionate attunement of a therapist to help you process trauma and heal at the root level. Brainspotting uses a technique to work with the deep, subcortical parts of your brain where trauma is stored, which goes deeper than just talk therapy. It is fast, effective, and safe. You can read more about it here and here.

How to prepare for a brainspotting session

So you’re going to have your first brainspotting session! You might be nervous and unsure of what to expect. This post will set your mind at ease and walk you through what to expect in a session.

If you are doing an in-person session, your therapist will have everything you’ll need. If you’re doing an online session, there are a few things you can have handy.

• A water bottle (hydration is rule #1, right!?)

• Kleenexes

• Your laptop/desktop. It is possible to do brainspotting on a smaller screen like a cell phone, but a large screen can be easier, so if you have access to your computer for the session, use that.

• Optional—headphones. Some people find that listening to binaural music while doing a session can be calming and help them enter deeper into the processing. You can play this music on a low volume setting so that you can still hear the therapist. You can play the music from a separate device like your phone, or even from your laptop. Your therapist won’t be able to hear it, just you! Here are some free youtube playlists for binaural music:

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcXvSR7E8QU

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmLpcNGdBx0&t=165s

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApFBK297FM0

  The music is just optional though, so if it feels too techy or just doesn't work for you, don’t worry about it.

What to expect in a brainspotting session

So you’ve got your supplies, your laptop, and a private, comfortable location. But what is a session like, you might be wondering?

To begin with, you and your therapist will discuss what issue you want to focus on. It might be a past trauma, a negative core belief, or a behavior you want to change. Or it might be something positive you want to increase in your life, like getting over writer’s block, working out more, feeling more joy, or reconnecting to a part of you from childhood. Brainspotting is very flexible and can be used for all kinds of issues.

Once you identify an issue, your therapist will ask you a few questions to help bring up the emotion for you. They might ask you to notice what emotions you feel and where you feel them in your body related to that issue. And then they will help you find a spot in your visual field where you are the most in touch with that issue. They might use a pointer to help you find it on your screen, or ask questions to help you find it off-screen in your environment.

After that, you are brainspotting! The good news is that you cannot do it wrong. All you have to do is look at that spot and notice whatever thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, body sensations, etc. that come up connected to the issue you are working on. This is the practice of mindfulness, just observing whatever comes up without judgment and following where it takes you. During this process you can vocalize as much of this as you would like with your therapist, or if you prefer to process more internally that is ok, too.

Your therapist is there attuning to you, and going through the process with you. The attuned presence of another caring, calm individual can help us to go deeper into our process. They are there to witness with you, support you, and they can help too if you get stuck. They can help dial things up if things feel flat, or dial it down if it starts to feel too anxiety-provoking.

At the end of the session, your therapist will check in to compare how you are feeling about the issue as compared to where you began.

How to care for yourself after a brainspotting session

After a session, your brain will keep processing for the next 48-72 hours. You may notice feeling tired. This is normal, your brain is working very hard during processing sessions like these and as a result you may feel fatigued and need more rest. If possible, be gentle with yourself after a session and allow yourself more rest. Hydrate, have a snack, and enjoy some gentle movement like walking, which can be calming after a session. Most people find a sense of relief after a session. For some, the changes can be subtle, so it is good to check in a few days after your session. Do you notice a decrease of symptoms? or an increase of a positive behavior you were wanting to encourage? Noting your level of distress about a topic before and after brainspotting can help you see the progress.

As with any therapy, there are also some risks, such as becoming more aware of difficult or painful feelings associated with whatever was worked on. This is the case with any kind of therapy, and is not unusual. If this happens, talk to your therapist about a plan for self-care and additional support.

Just because this happens with brainspotting once does not mean it will always happen for you, so be open to trying it again if you can and talk with your therapist about a plan to work through whatever is coming up.

Finding a brainspotting therapist near me

If you’d like to find a brainspotting therapist and give it a try, feel free to give me a call for a free 15-min phone consultation to see if we’d be a good fit. I’d love to help you get to the root of things and start healing at the deepest level today.

Therapy spotlight: Brainspotting therapy vs EMDR?

In an earlier blog I discussed brainspotting therapy as a powerful, body-based method that can help to relieve symptoms of trauma, promote well-being, and help with emotional regulation. It is a form of trauma therapy that uses eye movement to identify and process traumatic or emotionally charged memories and experiences.

If you think that sounds similar to EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitization reprocessing), you would be right! Brainspotting was actually developed out of EMDR therapy in 2003 by David Grand, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist. Instead of using only eye movements from left to right, Grand discovered that by holding a single eye position, clients seemed to process at a deeper level.

But what are the differences between EMDR and brainspotting therapy? And how do you know which one is right for you? Let’s get into it!

How does brainspotting therapy work?

During brainspotting therapy, the therapist helps the client to identify a "brainspot," which is a specific point in the client's visual field that corresponds to the area of the brain where the traumatic memory or emotion is stored. The therapist typically does this using a pointer. Focusing on the “brainspot” can help to bring up emotions and memories related to the issues you want to work on. The therapist will invite you to observe the emotions, memories, thoughts, and physical sensations coming up for you as you focus on the “brainspot” and think about your issue. Your therapist will use a variety of techniques to help you process and release the emotions and memories that come up during the session. As you do this, the brain is reprocessing the material connected to your issue in a way that is more integrated and decreases negative symptoms or negative core beliefs. The result is clients often feel more clear, connected to self, and calm.

What kind of topics can I address with brainspotting?

Brainspotting therapy is based on the idea that traumatic memories and emotions are stored in the brain and can be accessed and released through focused attention on specific areas of the brain. It is considered to be an effective treatment for a range of conditions, including PTSD, anxiety, depression, addiction, and chronic pain. It can also be used on issues that are less about trauma and more about expansion of self, such as increasing creativity, be less socially anxious and more outgoing, breaking through writer’s block, decreasing procrastination, overcoming fears around dating, connecting deeper to one’s spirituality, having a more positive relationship with finances… The sky is the limit, really.

What is EMDR therapy?

EMDR therapy is a type of psychotherapy that integrates elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness, and somatic therapy. It was developed in the late 1980s by psychologist Francine Shapiro, who noticed that eye movements seemed to reduce the intensity of her own negative thoughts and feelings.

EMDR therapy is a type of therapy that can help people who have experienced difficult or traumatic events. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. During EMDR therapy, a trained therapist will guide the person through a series of eye movements, sounds or taps, while they recall the traumatic event.

The goal of EMDR therapy is to help the person process the traumatic memory so that it becomes less distressing and overwhelming. This is done by connecting the memory with more positive or neutral thoughts and feelings.

EMDR therapy can be used for a variety of issues, including PTSD, anxiety, and depression, similar to brainspotting.

How are brainspotting and EMDR different?

Brainspotting and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) are both therapeutic approaches that can be used to treat trauma and other mental health issues, but they have some important differences.

1. Focus: Brainspotting focuses on identifying and working with "brainspots," which are specific points in the visual field that are connected to traumatic or emotionally charged experiences. EMDR, on the other hand, focuses on bilateral stimulation, which can include eye movements, tapping, or other forms of rhythmic stimulation.

2. Eye Movements: In EMDR, the therapist guides the client through a series of rapid eye movements while they focus on a traumatic memory or negative belief. In brainspotting, the therapist helps the client identify a “brainspot” by having them scan their visual field while focusing on the issue they want to work on.

3. Processing: In EMDR, the therapist helps the client reprocess the traumatic memory or negative belief by guiding them through a structured sequence of phases. In brainspotting, the therapist follows the client's lead and allows them to process the issue in their own way, often through verbal processing or physical sensations.

This final point is probably the biggest difference that clients would notice between the two therapies. EMDR therapy tends to be very regimented and protocol-driven, while brainspotting is more fluid, allowing the client‘s body to direct what is most important to focus on. In brainspotting, the therapist is attuning carefully to the client’s lead in determining where the session goes and what they need for their healing.

As a therapist, this is why I prefer brainspotting to EMDR. Each of us is different, and we are the expert on our own body and experience. By tapping into the client’s innate wisdom and healing process, I believe the client’s body can get us to where we need to go more effectively than me trying to force the session to unfold a certain way.

Brainspotting is also flexible to work with topics that are not trauma-related per say, but have to do with improving one’s quality of life, as mentioned above.

How are brainspotting and EMDR the same?

The theory behind brianspotting and EMDR therapies is that traumatic experiences can become "stuck" in the brain and cause distressing symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, an over-activated nervous system, or negative core beliefs. Both the bilateral stimulation used in EMDR therapy and the focus on the “brainspot” in brainspotting therapy is thought to activate the brain's natural healing process, allowing the traumatic memory to be processed and integrated into a person's life in a less distressing way. You can think of it like a computer running a software to de-bug a corrupted file so that it can be resaved cleanly.

Experts also believe these therapies work by accessing deeper parts of the brain, such as the limbic system, which is involved in emotional regulation and memory processing. By focusing on the “brainspot” or doing bilateral stimulation, the therapy may help to access and process deep-seated emotions and memories that are related to the trauma.

The therapies may also activate the parasympathetic nervous system, the therapy may help to reduce stress and promote relaxation, which can help the brain to process and integrate the traumatic experience.

How do I know if brainspotting or EMDR is right for me?

It's important to note that both approaches have been shown to be effective in treating trauma and other mental health issues, and the choice comes down to the client’s preference and choice as to which to pursue. I would recommend trying a session of both to have an understanding of the differences and which feels like a better fit for you. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to therapy, and it’s important to explore the best fit for you in terms of the type of therapy and the therapist, taking into account their experience and style. Always honor what you feel you need.

If you’d like to give brainspotting therapy a try and want to see if we’d be a good fit to work together, please reach out for a free 15-min phone consultation to learn more.

How therapy can help you grow in self-compassion

This is the first part in a series about self-compassion. Today we will talk about what is self-compassion, and what are some ways therapy can help me grow in this?

In future blog posts we will explore how Lifespan Integration therapy and Brainspotting therapy can help develop self-compassion in more detail.  

The number one thing that clients come to therapy for

Sometimes people ask me, “What’s the number one issue that your clients come to therapy for?”  If you were to poll my clients, I think some would say anxiety, some depression, and some stress or trauma.  Those are definitely prevalent issues.  But there’s another issue that shows up in almost all of those, even though many clients may have no idea when they start working with me.  And that issue is this: the need to learn to let go of self-judgment and embrace self-compassion. 

To me, learning to practice self-compassion is one of the most important things that I can help my clients learn, and it undergirds everything in the way I practice therapy.  

If you want to make progress in your healing journey, learning self-compassion is a must.  Let’s talk about some ways to do that.

What is self-compassion?

Very simply, self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness, warmth, and understanding.  It means realizing that making mistakes is part of being human and not a reason to isolate or berate ourselves.  And it means that it’s ok to feel painful emotions, but that doesn’t mean that we have to fuse with them.  

Practicing compassion toward ourselves is very similar to how we would treat a good friend when they are down and out.  If a good friend was hurting and came to us, our hearts would go out to them with kindness and caring.  We would listen to their thoughts and feelings with understanding, patience, and warmth.  We would sit with them in their pain and let them know they aren’t alone.  We would affirm our love for them even when they make mistakes.  We would comfort them and help them figure out where to go from here.

Most of us find it a lot easier to show this kind of kindness to others than ourselves.  When it comes to how we treat ourselves, many of us struggle with a strong inner critic that rears its head if we make a mistake.  When we mess up, often we react out of shame and experience isolation.  Instead of being patient with ourselves, we breathe ourselves for not having it together yet.  

As a result of our inner critic, we can get mired down in guilt, shame, and depressive feelings.  We can isolate and feel unworthy or fearful of being known by others.  We can get anxious and try to protect ourselves with perfectionism.  This brings its own kind of pain and can lead to feelings of overwhelm, burnout, or crippling  procrastination.  

Is any of this sounding familiar.  Yeah, me too!  Self-criticism is an epidemic and most of us know these patterns all too well. 

But there’s good news—therapy can help you learn to practice self-compassion and be kinder to yourself.  Here are a few ways how. 

How can therapy help you develop self-compassion?

1.  The therapeutic relationship

There are practically a million different therapies out there, but the one ingredient that makes any therapy as effective as it can be is a good relationship between you and your therapist.  

Feeling safe, supported, and cared for is of the utmost importance when it comes to your relationship with your therapist.  Ideally, this is another human being who you can share your innermost thoughts, fears, feelings, pains, hopes, disappointments, traumas, and dreams with.  They may know more about you than anyone else in your life.  It’s absolutely crucial that you feel they are always on your side, believing the best about you, and holding space for you with compassion and warmth.  

That doesn’t mean they might not give you some tough love every now then, telling you things that may be hard to hear.  But it should always feel kind, gentle, and supportive, with your best interest at heart.  

As you share your story with your therapist, you should experience someone who is fully present, listening intently, making space for your feelings, and looking back at you with eyes of kindness.  Feeling warmth and compassion from your therapist can help you practice compassion for yourself.  

Shame lies to us and makes us feel like if people knew “the real us” they would cut us off, humiliate us, look down on us.  Your therapist is someone who can know the “real you” and instead show you love and support, and point out your own inherent goodness even when you have a hard time seeing it.  

Feeling known in this way is revolutionary.  It can lift a huge burden off your shoulders, knowing that you are not alone, and that you are loved and accepted WITH your faults and mistakes, not apart from them.  

2.  Therapy is a place to practice curiosity instead of judgment

A key part of learning to practice self-compassion means turning toward our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with curiosity, not judgment.  Sometimes we don’t even realize it, but there are certain thoughts or feelings that we have made an unspoken vow not to feel. We avoid those thoughts, rationalize them away, or bury them deep.  We keep ourselves so busy or so zoned out on social media that we never have to feel them.  

Or other times we may feel them, but as soon as we do, we feel immediate self-hatred or shame for having those thoughts or feelings.  Our inner critic uses this as evidence that we are lazy, lousy, good for nothing, fill-in-the-blank-mean-name-calling-here. 

Instead, your counselor can help you recognize feelings you may have been avoiding,  They can also help you pause before using those feelings as a diving board into more self-judgment. Together, with the help of another compassionate human being in your process with you, you can label those thoughts and feelings and practice noticing them from a place of neutrality.  

In the observing of these painful thoughts, feelings, memories, etc., this is where healing happens.  In getting curious and making space for them, instead of disassociating, this is where healing happens.  A therapist can help you do this in session as you learn to do this on your own.

3.  Therapy is a place to practice the re-parenting process 

Many times when we struggle with our inner critic, perfectionism, or shame, these things can be long-standing issues for us that have roots in our childhoods.  

All of us is all of our ages at once.  We may be an adult with a car payment and a 401k, but we are also still that 10-year-old who got their feelings hurt on the playground or the 15-year-old who felt embarrassed at the school dance.  

Re-parenting is a therapeutic process that involves practicing self-compassion and curiosity and learning to give these things to the younger parts of yourself that never got them.

Through this therapeutic process, we can learn to recognize where our self-judgment is originating from and learn to give love and warmth to those younger parts of ourselves.  

Your therapist can help you step back from painful emotions and notice the patterns and roots of where these things are emerging from in your past.  They can help you see that always those feelings, defense mechanisms, and behaviors are there for a reason.  What you are experiencing makes sense.  They can help you feel the pain, meet the unmet needs of your younger self, and heal at a deeper level in your present-day life. 

Find a therapist to help you grow in self-compassion

If you struggle with shame, perfectionism, or self-judgment, and you are ready to start breaking those cycles, reach out today.  You can learn to practice self-compassion and go on a transformative healing journey—and you don’t have to do it alone.  Therapy can help.  Give me a call today for a free 15-min phone consultation to see if we’d be a good fit.  

How Lifespan Integration can help you process trauma

What is PTSD?

Post-traumatic stress disorder can be developed in a person who has witnessed, lived through, or had someone close to them be involved in a scary, dangerous, or shocking event. Not everyone who goes through an event such as this will develop PTSD, but some will.

When we go through scary or threatening events, our body will activate its flight-fight-freeze-fawn response as part of its natural survival response. These responses such as elevated heart rate, nausea, lightheadedness, rapid breathing, shaking, tunnel vision, sweating, etc. are normal and designed by your nervous system to help you run to safety, fight off an attacker, etc. These symptoms are not PTSD, though they can be upsetting.

Symptoms of PTSD

PTSD symptoms occur after the trauma has ended—sometimes days, months, or even years later. The symptoms of PTSD can be broken into a couple categories: re-experiencing symptoms, and avoidance symptoms.

Re-experiencing symptoms of PTSD mean ways that your body re-experiences the trauma as part of the aftermath. These symptoms can be triggered by reminders of the trauma like trauma anniversaries, sights/sounds/sensory reminders, driving by the scene of the trauma, seeing the people involved, etc. They can also feel like they appear out of the blue. Re-experiencing symptoms can include:

• flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating

• nightmares

• disturbing thoughts

Avoidance symptoms are what they sound like—behaviors that develop as defense mechanisms but that can create problems in your daily life. These include:

• Avoiding people, places, events, anything that could remind them of the trauma

• Avoiding thoughts or feelings related to the event, which could involve other behaviors such as substance abuse or dissociative behaviors to help people avoid those thoughts and feelings.

Other symptoms of PTSD affect our bodies and our minds. They can manifest through symptoms such as:

• Being easily startled

• Experiencing irritation to anger outbursts

• depressive symptoms like loss of interest in things

• Feeling a sense of guilt or blame

• Feeling on edge

• Having trouble sleeping

• negative outlook

• anxiety

An example could be someone who was involved in a car accident. They may find themselves avoiding driving in that part of town where the accident occurred, avoiding driving altogether, or experiencing panic attacks when they have to get behind the wheel of a car. When they are a passenger in the vehicle they may experience flashbacks that are distressing and come with a racing heart, sweating, and a sense of guilt about what happened. They may be plagued with reliving the trauma, imagining what they could have done differently, and experience a resulting depression and impairment of their daily life that makes it hard for them to function like they used to.

how to treat PTSD

The good news is that you do not need to suffer alone. There are many effective treatment options available for trauma. One thing we know about trauma now is that it is not all in your head. As you can see from the symptoms listed above, the body remembers and stores trauma. The body suffers many symptoms, and therefore the body needs to be included in the treatment. it can help to talk about things, but sometimes talking alone is not enough. You need a therapy that includes the brain and the body in the healing process.

What is Lifespan Integration therapy?

One such therapy is Lifespan Integration therapy.

“Lifespan Integration is a gentle, body-based therapeutic method which heals without re-traumatizing. Lifespan Integration relies on the innate ability of the body-mind to heal itself. LI is body-based, and utilizes repetitions of a visual time line of memories to facilitate neural integration and rapid healing.” (https://lifespanintegration.com/)

You can see this post here that explains more broadly what Lifespan Integration is. But today I want to share a bit about how Lifespan Integtration therapy can help with PTSD in particular.

How Lifespan Integration helps with PTSD

It is said that trauma creates a problem of time in the body. Meaning, not all of the body and brain realize the trauma is over, and part of yourself feels stuck in the past, still experiencing the trauma as if it is happening now. This is why we have the symptoms of flashbacks, the racing heart, the dreams—part of the body feels the trauma is still happening now. So our job is to help the body see the trauma is over, and to bring all parts of the self back to the present. Hence the “Integration” part of Lifespan Integration.

For PTSD clearing, the therapist will work with the client to create a list of memory cues from the traumatic event. In the example of a car accident, the memory cue list would include moments from before, during and after the accident, like a list of scenes in a movie. The client does not have to retell these in detail, merely a brief statement about them is enough. The therapist writes all of these scenes down and the timeline always ends in present time, up to the day of the session.

The therapist then reads the timeline back to the client and the client re-experiences it like a movie, always ending in the present moment. We do many quick repetitions in session, not dwelling on any moment too long, but emphasizing to the body with each repetition, “you survived, and the worst is truly over.” We go through very quickly to keep your distress in hearing the timeline as low as we can.

This helps the body come to realize that the past truly is over. The part of the body that is still alive in the moment of the trauma is reclaimed and brought back to the present.

The therapist is there to help the client not get overwhelmed by the intensity of the timeline, and the therapist has different ways to keep the client from getting overwhelmed by the processing.

Lifepsan Integration can help you find peace again after trauma

The result is truly amazing to see. Many people who experience this protocol within a single session can feel relief. For more complex trauma, especially early childhood trauma that extended over many years, treatment takes many sessions, but the results are still lasting and incremental peace, removal of symptoms, and people feeling whole again.

Finding a Lifespan Integration therapist in Tacoma, WA

If you’d like to try Lifespan Integration therapy for PTSD, feel free to give me a call for a free 15-min phone consultation to see if we’d be a good fit. And have hope, there are many wonderful therapies that are effective at helping people resolve trauma, such as EMDR, brainspotting, somatic experiencing, and others. You don’t have to suffer alone, reach out for help today.

What is brainspotting therapy and can it help me?

What is brainspotting?

Brainspotting is a powerful technique that is a combination of neuroscience, somatic therapy, mindfulness, and the healing power of the relationship between you and a caring, attuned therapist.

In nutshell, brainspotting is staring at a point in your visual field that helps to activate an emotional issue you want to process. The brain uses this eye position to help you activate these neural networks in the brain and body, and it goes to work re-processing them as you practice mindfulness with the help of your therapist.

If you’ve heard of EMDR, brainspotting uses eye movements in a similar way to access certain parts of the brain, but the technique is a little bit different.

Brainspotting helps to activate the natural healing system of the brain and body.

What happens in a brainspotting session?

A brainspotting therapy session is different than a regular talk therapy session. In a brainspotting session, you and your therapist will identify an issue you want to work on. This can be a trauma, a negative self-belief, a powerful emotion, a creative block, or an area of expansion and self-growth you want to focus on.

Then together we will determine a point in your visual field where this issue is most activated in you. By “activated,” what I mean is that you are aware of somatic feelings in your body related to this issue. As you tune into those feelings in your body, your brain will also be lighting up in the deeper regions where neural pathways related to this topic are located.

“Where you look affects how you feel.”

The therapist will then use a pointer to help you fix your eyes to this point and then invite you to notice what you are feeling and thinking. This is essentially practicing mindfulness, making space for any emotion, thought, or feeling with compassion and curiosity. This is also powerful to do with a therapist present with you, attuning to your needs, helping you when you get stuck, and assuring you that you are not alone as you re-experience whatever things come up for you.

As you do this, the brain is literally changing the way this content is stored in your body and re-processing it in a way that promotes more healing, resilience, and integration. Think of it like locating a corrupted file on your computer and running a software program that de-bugs the file and re-saves it as an intact file that is no longer corrupted. That’s an analogy of how this technique activates the innate healing power of your own brain and body.

The power of brainspotting also comes from the relationship between the therapist and client. Having the attuned presence of a caring and grounded therapist can enable clients to feel safer to experience painful or anxiety-provoking thoughts, feelings and sensations. It is powerful to experience your thoughts and feelings mindfully but knowing that are not alone with them, but connected to another compassionate human being here to help navigate you through whatever comes up.

How to find a brainspotting therapist in Tacoma, WA?

If you are looking for a brainspotting therapist in Tacoma, WA or WA state, I can help! I would love to introduce you to this powerful modality and draw upon it and other therapeutic tools to help you find lasting relief from trauma, anxiety, depression, or whatever patterns you are looking to re-write in your life.

Give me a call today for a free 15-min phone consultation to find out if we’d be a good fit!

10 ways to stop a panic attack

In the last blog, we looked at the symptoms of a panic attack. Today, let’s talk about 10 tips for helping to stop the panic.

1. Realize that you are going to be ok

Often having a panic attack can feel like you’re about to die. It is common to have impending feelings of doom or to mistake them for a heart attack. If panic attacks are a new experience for you, you should consult with your doctor to rule out medical conditions. If it’s determined to be panic attacks you are dealing with, when they start to happen remind yourself “I’m going to be ok.” Repeat that in your head as a mantra. Panic attacks are physically uncomfortable, but not dangerous. And they always end. Typically the worst of a panic attack will peak after 5-20 minutes.

2. Be kind to yourself

Panic attacks are nothing to be ashamed of. They do not mean you are weak or over-dramatic. The symptoms show that actually, your body is working hard to try and keep you safe from something it perceives as a threat. So be kind to yourself. Many people feel embarrassed by experiencing these, but if you can turn your attention toward kindness, that will help soothe the panic. Be kind to yourself like a comforting and safe adult would be to a child. In the moment, repeating a mantra like “it’s going to be ok,” or “I can get through this,” or “this will end,” can help. Turn on a comforting song, wrap yourself in a weighted blanket if that helps you, and when it’s over, give yourself some extra comfort.

3. Ride the wave

Treat panic attacks as a wave to surf rather than something to resist. In surfing, if you try to resist a cresting wave, you are just going to get pounded by that wave and taken under. Don’t resist the symptoms. Don’t focus on how you want them to stop. Do you remember those finger-trap toys we played with as kids? The ones that would trap your fingers at either end if you pulled to escape them? The more forcefully you try to pull out of those, the more stuck you become. The trick is to lean into the symptoms. Let them run their course without resisting them. That means letting the rapid heartbeat, the shaking, the derealization, etc. happen without trying to stop it or overly fixate on it. If you do this, the symptoms will alleviate much faster.

4. Try box breathing

When you’re having a panic attack your system is in fight or flight. Regulating our breathing is a powerful way to help the brain shift back into the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps to relax your body. During a panic attack, we are often breathing shallowly and possibly hyperventilating. Try box breathing instead. To do this, you inhale for a count of 4, hold your breath for 4, breathe out for 4, and then pause for 4. Then you inhale for 4 and keep repeating the cycle. Here’s a video on youtube that lets you breathe along with a calming visual to make box breathing easy.

5. Use grounding techniques

In addition to box breathing, grounding techniques are something you can do in the moment to help alleviate your symptoms of a panic attack. Grounding here refers to grounding yourself in the present moment using your 5 senses. Most often when we have panic attacks, our bodies are responding to a perceived threat that might not be happening at the moment. Our threat detection system is overly sensitive, and it’s like a car alarm going off with a firework—no one is actually breaking in, but the system went off by mistake. If that’s the case, then getting into our 5 sense and the present moment helps our body see that we are actually safe right now. To do this, focus on physical sensations. What can you hear? See? Touch? Taste? Smell?

A helpful exercise to practice this is the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise. To do this, look around your room and say out loud 5 things you can see. I like to name 5 things that are the same color, like 5 blue things in my room. Then 4 things you can touch and as you touch them, describe the texture and allow yourself to focus on what it actually feels like. Then 3 things you can hear, really tune into those sounds. Then 2 things you can smell, maybe an essential oil, some lotion, a scented candle, an orange. Let the smell fill your sense. Then one thing you can taste. Eat a piece of chocolate, a hard candy, some orange, whatever you have. Focus on the sensation of taste you are experiencing. The more you focus on your physical experience the less you are focusing on the anxious thoughts and allowing yourself to reconnect to the present moment. Here’s a video to walk you through this exercise.

6. Use visual imagery

Another thing you can try in a moment of anxiety is to imagine a peaceful place and try to inhabit that vision in your imagination as much as possible. Maybe you imagine sitting by a mountain stream, or walking on the beach. Pay attention to the physical details. Can you feel the wind on your face? The sound of waves crashing? The feeling of sand between your toes? Choose a location that is calming for you. Try to get into the sensory details of the experience as much as possible. This is another way to take the focus off your symptoms and help you ride the wave of panic safely to the shore.

7. Go for a walk

When you are in fight or flight, your body systems are on alert to try and protect you from a threat. One way our body does this is preparing your body to run from a threat. Blood literally goes into your arms and legs so you can run, which is why you may have a tingling sensation in your hands and feet. Blood is channeled away from your abdomen and head, which is why you may feel sick to your stomach or light-headed. Going for a walk is doing what your body wants to do—to move! So try walking around the block, or doing some pushups, or doing a short sprint. This one won’t be for everyone, but some people find this immensely helpful. Plus, if it’s safe to go outside, the change in environment can be calming.

8. Ask for support

This is a big one! Don’t go it alone! If you have a friend, family member or pet that you can be with while you are experiencing a panic attack, that can help comfort you. They can be a loving presence with you helping you know that you are going to be ok. If you’re alone when you’re having one, think about if there is anyone you can call or text for support. Do be careful with this one though as some people don’t know how to respond when you’re having a panic attack. It’s best if you talk to your support people before a panic attack comes on. Let them know this is something you experience sometime and ask if they’d be willing to support you if you are having an episode. Then tell them how to support you. Generally, that means that they just are a loving and kind presence with you. Let them know there’s nothing to fix and that it’s not a medical emergency, just something that you have to let run its course.

9. Be careful with medications

If you are experiencing panic attacks, it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor. It used to be a practice in the past that a class of medications called benzodiazapines would be prescribed for panic attacks. That includes medications like Klonipin, Valium, Xanax, and others. These meds work as gentle tranquilizers and slow down messages between your brain and body. These medications have their place, but are generally only safe for very occasional use, like before a surgery. If they are taken frequently, they can be addictive. When the body habituates to them and then you try to come off of them, many people experience rebound anxiety. Sometimes the rebound anxiety can be worse than the initial anxiety that drove them to start the medication in the first place. These are not often prescribed for panic attacks anymore, but it’s good for you to be aware of and stay away from these medications if possible unless monitored closely by an experienced psychiatric medication prescriber.

10. Counseling can help

Panic attacks can be very scary, especially if they come on out of the blue or often. Just know you don’t have to go through this alone. Panic attacks are highly treatable, and working with a therapist can help you practice these techniques to get through them more easily. A counselor can also help you identify what is triggering your anxiety, help you process and heal past trauma that may be contributing, and help you create a plan for wellness to minimize the impact of panic attacks. If you’d like to see if you and I might be a good fit to help you decrease panic attacks and find your peace again, give me a call today for a free phone consultation.

What are the symptoms of a panic attack?

Do you struggle with panic attacks?

You’re not alone.

Anxiety disorders are the most prevalent of any mental illness in the US. Nearly 20% of the US population aged 18 and older suffers from an anxiety disorder every year (Anxiety and Depression Association of America). Almost 5% of Americans will experience a panic disorder at some time in their lives (National Institute for Mental Health). Women are twice as likely to experience panic disorder than men.

The good news is that panic attacks are highly treatable, as are all anxiety disorders. But sadly many suffer without seeking help.

My own experience with panic attacks

As a therapist, I work with a lot of folks experiencing these symptoms, and I have experienced them myself, too. In my mid-20’s I had my first panic attack “out of the blue,” and I had no idea what was happening to me. The heart palpitations, the light-headedness, the feelings of doom… I hated getting ambushed by panic attacks.

When they first hit, I felt like I might die, or at the very least something was seriously wrong with me. At that time I hadn’t even heard of a panic attack. As they started happening more and more, I feared being in crowded public places or traveling, in case one hit me and I felt trapped. If I did have to be at a public event, I always had an eye on the exits, sat on the end of a row so I could get out quickly if I needed to, and I was never without water and snacks in case I felt the dreaded light-headedness coming on.

I went to my primary care doctor and she diagnosed with me panic disorder, and I thought, “Whoa, that sounds serious—I have a disorder now?” She didn’t offer any help except for a medication that I could take when one came on, but the meds made me feel floaty and disconnected from reality. I didn’t really like it, and I didn’t want to get addicted to a medication. This ended up being a good instinct as the kind of medication she prescribed me (Klonipin, which is in a class of drugs known as benzodiazepines) are now known to be addictive and often makes things worse if taken too frequently for panic attacks. (These drugs are less often prescribed now, and prescribers are more aware of the danger of dependency and do a better job educating patients about this.)

It wasn’t until years later in therapy and my own research that I learned the skills that helped me get the panic attacks under control. The biggest breakthrough came through learning that panic attacks, while very uncomfortable, are not actually dangerous. Once I learned that and a few skills, things dramatically changed for the better. But more on this in the next post.

My goal in this blog is to help you learn to recognize the symptoms of a panic attack so you can feel less afraid of the symptoms and more empowered to get the help you need to feel better fast.

Symptoms of a panic attack

A panic attack is characterized by a onset of sudden and intense anxiety. It is accompanied by physical symptoms such as:

• Racing, pounding heart or the feeling your heart is skipping a beat

• Brethtlessness

• Shaking

• Sweating

• Tunnel vision

• lightheadedness or dizziness

• nausea or stomach distress

• dry mouth

• feelings of derealization or depersonalization

People not familiar with panic attacks may think they are having a heart attack. It is also common to feel like you may faint or even die.

It’s easy to see how these scary symptoms can lead people to develop a fear of having the next one, and to try and shrink their world down in protection to prevent that.

Panic disorder versus panic attacks

Panic disorder is when you’ve had at least two panic attacks and you constantly worry and change your routine to keep from having another one. It’s a type of anxiety disorder (WebMD).

What makes panic disorder debilitating is not necessarily the panic attacks themselves, but the fear of panic attacks. This fear of fear causes people to shink their lives smaller and smaller to feel safe. For example, people may become afraid of being in crowded places, driving, traveling too far from home, exercising, or even leaving the house. This can be incredibly debilitating and cause a strain on people’s ability to go to work or school, have relationships, and function in their daily lives.

Get help for panic attacks

In my next post, I will discuss ways to treat panic attacks, including some exercises you can use on your own.

But in the meantime, if you relate to any of these symptoms, counseling can help. You don’t have to suffer alone. Reach out today for a free 15-min phone consultation to see if we’d be a good fit, and let’s walk together through the panic and out the other side to a more peaceful, empowered life.