The root causes of perfectionism (and how therapy can help)
Do you struggle with perfectionism?
Perfectionism is a common struggle many of us can relate to. The rigid standards, the fear of failure, the crippling procrastination, the nagging self-doubt, the harsh inner critic… Odds are that you know what I’m talking about.
Where does this come from? What are the root causes of perfectionism? Is there hope for changing our inner critic into an inner sense of self-compassion? How can therapy help with perfectionism?
Where does perfectionism come from?
Perfectionism has complex psychological roots that can vary from person to person. Some of the common psychological factors contributing to the development of perfectionism include:
Fear of failure
Low self-esteem
The need for approval
Need for control
Overcritical parenting
Social/cultural expectations
Fear of perceived judgment from others
Maladaptive coping mechanism
All-or-nothing thinking
Perfectionism is not the same as having high standards. It is ok to have high standards. What distinguishes perfectionism is that almost always, perfectionism is a coping strategy to avoid or mask shame. Shame is the belief that something about us is fundamentally flawed, wrong, or unacceptable. Therefore, we put on the mask of perfectionism and believe,
“If I can be perfect, then no one will see that I’m bad.”
“If I can be perfect, no one can criticize or judge me.”
“If I can be perfect, I can control my world and feel safe.”
“If I can be perfect, maybe I will finally feel like I’m enough.”
How can therapy help with perfectionism?
Therapy can help in many ways with letting go of perfectionism, healing shame, and embracing self-compassion. Most importantly, therapy is a place where you can be accepted unconditionally. This is why the most important thing in choosing a therapist is finding someone who you can feel comfortable with. Studies continually show that having a good relationship with your therapist is the most important predictor of a successful outcome in therapy—even more important than what kind of therapy method you engage in.
As you experience acceptance, safety, and compassion from your therapist, that can make it easier to show these same qualities to yourself.
Therapy can help you explore how you are using perfectionism to shield yourself from shame. With the help of a therapist, you can engage in healing modalities to go back to these painful memories, traumas, or origin points of negative core beliefs and get healing at the source. As you start healing from trauma, it will be easier to love yourself unconditionally and there will be less of a need for perfectionism.
Therapy can also help with perfectionism by teaching you strategies to manage anxiety and uncertainty. The more comfortable you get with using healthier coping strategies, the less you will engage in perfectionistic strategies to try and control your world. As you improve your skills at managing difficult emotions like fear, anxiety, sadness, and more, you will be better able to reduce procrastination and embrace making mistakes as part of the process.
Ultimately, therapy can help you find a more balanced perspective on success and achievement. It can help you learn how to both strive for high standards, but in a way that promotes self-love, self-acceptance, and self-compassion.
Therapy in tacoma, wa for perfectionism
Are you looking for therapy in Tacoma, WA? Or are you looking for online therapy in WA state? Give me a call today for a free 15-min consultation to see if we’d be a good fit. Let me help you heal from the roots of perfectionism and grow your self-compassion today.